I remember when I first heard this poem. I was sitting watching a movie some of you may have heard of called 'Coach Carter'. In the film, a coach is determined to develop the character and education of the team as well as their basketball skills and faces opposition from the players and the parents. Just when you lose all hope for one of the characters, he turns around and recites this poem, 'Our deepest fear'. Since then this poem has been a sort of national anthem or a 'self anthem'.
This poem is a good reminder for me - of what achievements can be made if I don't shrink back. We can instinctively place a ceiling on ourselves and tell ourselves that we can't achieve what we have set to accomplish. Hey, if you have never swam in the ocean the fear of what is out there can easily consume you. The unknown is many people's worst nightmare.
I love the line that reads 'Your playing small does not serve the world.' For the longest time, I have always wanted to be hidden afraid of what light I may possess. We all want to be earning millions, but can we handle the responsibility of it? So I laid low - often doing the bare minimum - concealing whatever was in me. But as I re-read this poem I realise not only do I do myself an injustice, but others around me. When we step out of our comfort zone and allow what is in us to shine through, we give that same freedom to others.
I have been married for 2 and half years now, and to some this may not seem like a long time, but 2 and a half years has gone by really quickly. During the first few months, I would always say to myself that I am going to write a book about marriage. Everything that I had known or thought I knew was challenged at every angle. My biggest challenge, was my understanding of myself. I perceived myself as quite independent, patient and easy-going but marriage challenged all of those characteristics!
After the wedding, we spent a week abroad and then as it was the summer holidays, we got to spend a few weeks together. So when we got back to reality, I found it hard to adjust. I went from being independent to used to being dependent upon someone else to do life. I had got so used to depending on him, I forgot about the things I had going on in my own life.
For the past couple of years, I have had to learn about what independence looks like in marriage - how it is important to invest yourself as well as your relationship. When two people come together to form a relationship, it is important that they are both bringing something to the relationship. For example, if I don't love myself, how can I bring love into the relationship? Instead I will be depending on my partner for love which will then result in an unhealthy relationship.
I know I have cited this book before, but the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
has really given me a better understanding of this. In it, Stephen Covey mentions the importance of interdependence and that it is when 'people combine their own efforts with the effects of others to achieve their great successes.' In the book, he later poses the question, 'How can you give what you don't possess?' I realised that as I had stopped investing in myself, I had stopped bringing to the relationship and had started to depend on my husband a lot more.
When we enter into any relationship, we have to ensure that we are bringing our own efforts to it. I am not necessarily letting go of my husband, but I am making sure that I am investing in myself as well as our relationship. I am making sure that I am more independent, as Covey stated, 'Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make.'
Proverbs 31 outlines what a virtuous woman is. It mentions characteristics such as comforting and encouraging others, expanding businesses, gives to those in need and speaks wisdom. At the end of the chapter we learn that this woman is married and has children but at no point does it say that she depends on her family. In fact, I imagine that this independent woman has been able to create and promote
interdependent
relationships within her family. This chapter found near the middle of the Bible, was written during a time of gender bias - When women were widely seen as less than and depended on society to survive. In the middle of all of this, we learn of a woman who didn't need or require others to survive but thrived in her independence.
So the question is how are you investing in yourself? What can you bring to your relationships? Are you independent?
I hate endings. I mean some things that ended, I was ecstatic about. Like when I got to the end of my degree and when I got to the end of my car payments - I couldn't have been happier! (Well, I could have, but you get my gist). But some endings always feel awkward for me. Like when you leave a job - I always find goodbyes difficult. Or the end of a holiday - I'm guessing nobody loves the end of a holiday. Some endings are easier than others. But regardless of the type of ending we face and whether or not it was unexpected, the ending of something signifies the beginning of something.
This is true with all things. The end of Winter signifies the beginning of Spring. The end of primary school signifies the beginning of secondary school. When one door closes, another one opens. This blog is more about the endings we don't like or even didn't see coming. It's easy for us to get caught up in the ending of a thing and not see the opportunity it brings.
Lao Tzu describes this well with the quote, 'New
beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.'
When I started uni, I had all of these hopes and dreams. I was going to study Psychology and become a Psychologist. Before this point, I had already experienced painful endings. One being not being able to attend the universities I had chosen. Devastated, but not crushed, I proceeded to study the subject of my dreams in a different location - embracing the new beginning that had been thrown my way. At the end of university, I had achieved the grade I needed and looked into starting my career as a Psychologist through further education. However I couldn't start the course of my choice because of lack of experience. Once again, I was devastated. I felt like that was the end. What was I going to do?
This is why think the end of something indicates the beginning of something. If it isn't a natural transition that takes us to our new beginning, it is our abrupt endings that will propel. These endings challenge us and force us to think about our next step and if we choose well, our beginnings will take us to somewhere we had never imagined. How many stories have you heard about people who's job ends suddenly, but then they start something great? If you are looking around you now all you see are endings, look forward to the beginnings.
For the past few years, I have danced around different exercise regimes, trying to keep fit. I have been able to establish good workout routines only to find myself become a couch potato again. For some of us, exercising can be the bane of our lives for others of us, it is the highlight of our day. What causes the difference?
A few years ago when I tried to establish a home workout routine, I purchased a 8kg kettlebell. I have been using this kettlebell for years and not thinking anything of it. I would hear about people lifting 10 or 20 kg and wonder how that was even possible. Then a few weeks ago, I went to the gym (my workout routine has changed again!) and found that my usual weights had disappeared. The next available weight was 16kg so I thought I would have a try. Can't say it was easy completing kettle bell swings with those but it was possible. Looking back, when I was using the 8kg kettle bell, I was using it with ease. There was no challenge and this was probably why my routines have not been consistent. If we are not challenged, we get bored, we plateau and grow stagnant.
We have to be intentional about
identifying how we can develop ourselves further. Whether it be physically, mentally or spiritually, we need to be making sure that we are investing in our growth and development. If not, we will soon find ourselves bored with life, picking up and putting down things we enjoy because we are not challenging ourselves.
In his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey outlines the importance of being proactive. He points out that proactive people work on the things that they have control over. If we have control over something, we need to take responsibility for it.
What's important about the challenges that we give ourselves, is that we put plans in place to achieve them. Imagine me one day lifting 8kg and the next day attempting to lift 50kg. 50kg! It's not bad to have that level of a challenge, but I would need to put plans in place to achieve lifting 50kg. We can live big by being intentional about the challenges that we embrace. Not only will we grow, but our lives become bigger in the process. Challenge yourself and live big.
‘For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind’. Some translations read self-control instead of a sound mind. Reading this today, I saw something I had never seen before. Where fear is in charge, there is no self control.
I have a HUGE fear of dogs. Anybody who knows me knows that me + dogs = fear. When I would walk home from secondary school, I would walk the long way home to avoid dog walkers. I remember once, when walking to the bus stop with friends, I ran into the middle of a road when I saw a dog. No self-control!
In the midst of fear all logical thinking goes out of the window. Your decision making is not at its best and conclusions are made in haste. Fear is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, we will experience the emotion of fear. But what do we do with that emotion? Does it lead us, or do we lead it? Knowing that fear has an impact on my thinking and my control has made me think twice about the decisions I have made and will make. Am I in control or is fear in control? Many times when we make decisions, we feel to a certain degree we are not in control. This has helped me to see that the absence of control means there is a presence of fear. For example, if I make a decision because I am afraid of people’s opinions - who is in control? Although I made the decision, I am not in control. Or if go to an event because I’m afraid that if I don’t I will offend someone- I made the decision to give fear control.
I’m currently reading a life-transforming book called the ‘7 habits of highly effective people’ (7 Habits of Highly Effective People, The: 25th Anniversary Edition by Stephen R. Covey (2015-08-25)
) and in there Stephen Covey points out the importance of the choices we make. Do we have to do something or do we choose to? Many of us make decisions because we feel we have to and not out of choice. I may still choose to go to an event but I have to examine my reasons for going. In choosing, I am gaining back self-control. It’s a case of- if you had the choice, what would you choose?
This means we have to be more intentional with our decision making. I am not often examining my motives and then I soon find that it was actually fear I had joined for the ride. When we recognise how we are making decisions we can exercise better self-control.
I loved that song when I was younger. 'I wish I was a little a bit taller, I wish I was a baller...' The song basically outlined all the different things the artist wish we had. Are we not like this? I wish my house was a bigger. I wish I had a different car. I wish I had a different job. If we're not careful, we can spend our whole life wishing - wishing our life away.
Don't get me wrong - wishes are not a problem - A quote from Walt Disney says, 'A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're asleep.' But if we spend our life just wishing, then there is a problem. What do we do with our dreams and wishes?
It's important that we put plans into place to see our 'wishes come true'. No matter the size of our dream, it is important that we plan. It might be helpful to start with small steps and use reminders on your phone to alert you about certain tasks. Many people find it beneficial to put post it notes around their home or place of work to remind them of their tasks. Essentially whatever plans we have should be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-based (SMART goals).
Your dream should lead to your vision and plans. In his book, The Dream-Centered Life
, Luke Barnett highlights the importance of dreaming big. Referencing Walt Disney, he highlights that everything starts with a dream. This shows us how important and how great dreams are, but we can't let it stop there. Our dreams should take us somewhere - they should take us beyond where we are. Luke Barnett is an example of someone who not only dreams big, but also acts on his dreams. Many people reference Walt Disney's dreams, and are amazed about how everything started with a dream that he had.
For ages I wished about different things. I wished I was a better dancer. I wished I was a better writer. I wished I had a positive impact on the world around me. I wish... I wish... I wish.Then I came to the realisation that the gap between my dreams and my reality was my actions. So I put plans in place to give room for my wishes to become reality.
Stop wishing and start planning...
I am a firm believer of there is a reason for everything and a time for everything. For everything there is a process. If you want apples in your garden, you have to plant an apple tree. This takes time. If you want to get a degree, you go to university. Obtaining the certificate takes time. For everything, there is a time and for everything there is a season.
Knowing this, knowing everything takes time, it can be quite frustrating. We live in a generation where most things that we want we get straight away - we want instant gratification! And I know, for me, this is a conflict I constantly face. The goals and visions that I have I know will take time before they come into fruition. There are things I have said that I would do and because they are not completed yet, I feel to leave them abandoned on the wayside. But things take time and we have to be willing to invest and put the work in.
Not only do things take time, but everything happens in the right time. Have you ever started a task and everything seems to go wrong? You're trying to get it done for a certain time but it doesn't seem to be working. The amount of times I have tried to do something and it hasn't worked out when I have wanted it to. However, I have persisted and when it did happen, it was like it was the perfect time for it to happen!
Ecclesiates 3:11 says, 'Everything is beautiful in its time.' For everything there is a reason and there is a time.
We give up on things, thinking they are not going to happen, but if we persist, things will happen at the right time.
So how's work going?
This is usually a question I hear when catching up with someone and the answer goes one in two ways. It's going well or there's a long list of reasons why it isn't going well. I think some us can agree that it is usually the latter. But then I had to challenge myself the other day and think, 'Am I just complaining?'
Some of us are fortunate enough to be in a job where we are doing something we enjoy. It may come with a work load and tasks that we do not enjoy, but hey, it's a job that we enjoy and we're getting paid for it. However, if I stop and moan about everything that is getting on my nerves, it will impact how I perceive my job.
On the flip side, sadly many of us are in a job we do not enjoy and it is just a means to an end. It is either part of our journey to something better or something we see only as a way to survive. Whilst looking for ways out of these jobs, we make the journey more tiring by complaining about the job we are currently in. We perceive the job as more of a burden than a blessing to get us to where we need to be. We don't have to love our job, but we should love our life, so the perspective we have of our jobs is very important because if you're like me, you're spending on average 12 hours a day on or at work and that's a huge portion of your life.
In order for us to have the right perspective, we have to make sure that:
1) We are thankful for the job that we have.
Now I know that this might sound crazy if you are in a job that you hate, but think, as a result of having this job you have a way of life. It might not be the way of life that you want at the moment, but would you rather have nothing? When I was at uni I had a customer assistant job (a posh way of saying that I worked at a till) and although for me it wasn't the job that I wanted to be in, I am thankful for that job. I was not only able to earn money whilst studying but I worked quiet shifts so I could study and work! Be thankful for you job.
2) Enjoy life outside of work.
In the last post, we looked at living a balanced. What's that saying? 'All work no play...'. We have to make sure that we live life balanced. What are you doing outside of work to enjoy life?
3) Plan your future.
If you are in a job you hate, what are you doing about it? It is not always as easy as starting a new course straight way because money doesn't grow on trees but put plans in place and commit to them. Your job will then be part of your journey and not your destination - you will appreciate it as being part of the process that gets you to where you want to be. Create a vision board or record your goals and how you will get there. All things are possible!
Do you hate your job or do you love complaining? Love the life that you live.
It didn't take long for the panic to set in. It's 2018, I'm 29 and what have I done with my life? At different stages of our lives, this question pops up to haunt us, over-shadowing any successes we have achieved! It is ridiculously easy to feel as if life is going nowhere or that you are stuck doing the same thing over and over again. Isn't that the definition of insanity?
Our characters and personalities are multifaceted. In different situations, we are different people, yet are still the same person. How do we be who we are when our job roles only allow us to live out one side of ourselves. For me, I found myself committed to teaching 24/7, which wasn't bad, but I felt limited. Other passions that I had were dying. There are many more sides to me, but it is not always possible for me to live that out in all situations - it's just not possible. So what do we do?
I realise that it is important to live a life outside of work. In 2018, let's make sure that we have a life! Pick up a new hobby. Sign up to a new course. Go for regular walks. Do life differently and take risks. Live a life you want to enjoy.
For me it looks like writing regularly, exercising regularly and doing different social activities. What will your life look like this year?
It's 2018! Yay! And as January is the first month of the year, it represents new beginnings, new seasons, new adventures. People have been spending time setting goals, building vision boards and creating targets for the year! It's an exciting time as everybody ushers in the new year with a sense of anticipation and adventure.
But it isn't long before we face our first challenges of the year. For some of us we have signed up to the gym but the bitter chill has kept us prisoners to our settees. For others of us, we have started a new diet but that cookie dough ice cream begged for just one taste. For me, it was simple things like not procrastinating and staying organised. Actually, I haven't even set my goals properly to be honest. I faced my first obstacle two days before new years and came down with the flu! The obstacles that we face can cause us to put things off until the next year, as we say 2019 will be better. I joke, some of us are not so extreme, at least not in January.
But I know I found myself today feeling frustrated with myself because I was not only disorganised, I was the epitome of disorganisation. So much for my poorly constructed new years resolution! But then I had to pull myself up! The year isn't over! My life isn't over. There are 357 days left of the year and how ever many days left in my life. All those days!
I then challenged myself to not only look at my year as a new opportunity but my day as a new opportunity. I would even go as far as to say a new hour is a new opportunity. We look at each year as a new opportunity to make improvements to our personal growth, why not each day? Or even each hour?
Eight days into the year, and we have had so many great opportunities presented to us already. We have 357 new opportunities and more to experience. What will you do with yours?
has really given me a better understanding of this. In it, Stephen Covey mentions the importance of interdependence and that it is when 'people combine their own efforts with the effects of others to achieve their great successes.' In the book, he later poses the question, 'How can you give what you don't possess?' I realised that as I had stopped investing in myself, I had stopped bringing to the relationship and had started to depend on my husband a lot more. 
) and in there Stephen Covey points out the importance of the choices we make. Do we have to do something or do we choose to? Many of us make decisions because we feel we have to and not out of choice. I may still choose to go to an event but I have to examine my reasons for going. In choosing, I am gaining back self-control. It’s a case of- if you had the choice, what would you choose?
, Luke Barnett highlights the importance of dreaming big. Referencing Walt Disney, he highlights that everything starts with a dream. This shows us how important and how great dreams are, but we can't let it stop there. Our dreams should take us somewhere - they should take us beyond where we are. Luke Barnett is an example of someone who not only dreams big, but also acts on his dreams. Many people reference Walt Disney's dreams, and are amazed about how everything started with a dream that he had. 
